I Was
by Jessiy Landroz
Summary: a Raphael fic... [One Shot]


Was

Hey there, it's been a while, huh?

Well, things have been pretty quiet, really; nothing much to say.

Haven't seen you in a while, too; how are you doing?

Me? Okay I guess, I've been around, doing stuff.

Don found a job at some undercover, spy-thingamajig facility, something like a James Bond inventions-creator. He creates stuff for the military, and they keep his identity secret, I heard, or actually read, from his last letter, that he'd met this brainiack girl, and from how he described her, love is in the air. Heh, I envy the guy, he's got guts, he told that he asked her out once; she hesitated at first but then accepted, he's got his own underground hideaway, too.

Mike? Well, he's a marshal arts, brick dancing teacher, he works at some orphanage, the kids love him, I've been there once; they all keep calling him uncle Mikey. Me? I'm the Grinch who stole Christmas. Kids, go figure. Anyway, he's doing alright, the caretakers like him, the kids like him, though his identity is half hidden really, everyone around the orphanage like him.

Master Splinter? Well, he passed away short after you left, he'd gotten really old, seeing that rats don't really live more than twenty years or so, but Don said its because of his human-like attributes, he managed till thirty five, anyway. He wished you were there, when he was on his deathbed, Don, Mike and I cried when he said that, we all missed you.

Yeah, we still miss you…

Well, April and Casey finally gave in to Mike's ranting, they confessed to each other, the wedding's next month. I can't believe they waited till they were both thirty before they confessed! Wonder how much longer it would take them to have kids; Mike's been on my shell since they got married, arguing that he wants Casey to choose him, not me, to be their kids' godfather, or god-turtle, whichever fits the blank space.

Me? I told you, I'm alright. I'm still a rebel, more like a gangster now, really. Ever since Casey confessed to April, it's been rare to see him around any more, so I ride my bike, which Don fixed up and developed for me, I keep knocking heads and save the day and stuff, I'm the only one in the old lair, Mike and Don moved out, so I'm the only one left.

God… I felt so lonely.

I miss your rambling, I miss your shouts, I miss you're glares. I miss how you used to laugh when we were younger, I miss how you'd think of everything at the tightest of times, when things get out of hand, I could swear that you knew what was about to happen before it happened, but I never dared to ask, I didn't want to be right, it was too scary to be right.

I envied you.

Sometimes, I'd wish I were something like you, if only a little. Collected, calm, I wish if I didn't blow my top so often, I'd wish I didn't argue with you so much, I'd wish if I weren't such an ass! I'd wish if we'd come into an understanding like normal siblings, without reaching out for each others throats! Why couldn't I see it back then? That you cared? That you just wanted to keep us safe?

What was I? An idiot?

Oh, I was so defiantly an idiot.

I've been an idiot the moment I let Shredder get his hands on you. I've been a failure the minute you clashed with him. If I had only been more clear-minded, I would've seen that opening, I would've been able to warn you, to stop you.

To take that hit for you.

To die for you.

But I didn't…

I failed you.

I failed the whole family.

I failed myself.

I still don't understand why they tried to bring me back when I left. Even master Splinter, when he was alive, he wanted me back, he said that your loss was painful enough, there was no need to lose another. I know how the life of a warrior and ninja is like, and I understand the sweetness and sorrow of the whole situation, I just wish, if only for a few seconds, one little thing…

To see you again…

Leo…

Could you ever forgive me?

For all I have said, for all I have done! To all those things I said to you in my rage, for all the hits that I've sent to your body and soul, for all the hate, rage and misunderstanding I had for you, for all the idiocy in me?

I'm sorry…

I'm so very, dearly sorry.

If I had the chance of one wish, I'd die for you again and again, if only it would bring you back to us…

Shredder might be gone, Baxter might be gone, Hun might be gone, the Purple Dragons may not be around anymore, but the pains they had left us are still here, in our hearts, in our souls, they'll never leave us.

Never.

_Sigh… _

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so depressed. Well, the undertaker is coming this way again, it's about closing time, the graveyard ain't no picnic you know, I'll see you again next time, okay bro?

Take care of yourself Leo.

I never had the chance to tell you this when you were alive, so I'll tell you this every time I come here.

I love you bro, and I miss you.

I miss you so much it hurts.

A/N: the loss of loved ones are like bittersweet songs, they touch you from the inside, and let your outside flow with warm, salty tears.


End file.
